Remembering Death

Some good news.

About a year ago, in the thick of my battle with Lyme, I videotaped a science-themed event at a research institute in Boston. About 24 hours after this event, I had an "episode" where I thought I was either losing my mind or dying or both. You can read about this "episode" in greater detail in my blog entitled LYME BRAIN but to sum it up briefly, it felt like my brain was completely short-circuiting. I would look at my Facebook and see posts from friends but I would have no idea who they were. My brain couldn't connect how I knew them. I also had weird deja vu sensations where everything I did seemed "familiar", like I had already done it before. Or, in other words, it was like everything that happened in the present was being remembered as something that already happened in the past. So weird. It was seriously like a taste of dementia.

This "episode" triggered a downward spiral that lasted for a few weeks, up to Halloween, where I seriously thought that my body was gradually shutting down, little by little, and by Halloween weekend I was absolutely convinced that I was going to die. I have a vivid memory now where I return a book or DVD to the local library, I'm feeling so weird and awful, and then I drive home and I have this thought in my head that it's the last time I'll ever drive this familiar route home ever again. There was a 1990s-era song by Primitive Radio Gods playing on the car radio called "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand". The song had never done a whole lot for me in the past but, as it played in that particular moment, it sounded so powerful to me. The song sounded like something a man wrote and sang knowing he was about to die. So, to me, the song was essentially the sound of me dying. It was a strange, sobering, humbling, sad, depressing but somehow beautiful moment. It's so hard to put the experience into words but it felt like everything that I thought mattered in life or everything that I ever worried about, in the end, didn't matter...because this was my unavoidable fate anyway: death, right now, at age 35. I guess it's kind of like what that Linkin Park song says: "In the end, nothing really matters."

I obviously didn't end up dying, but the experience has haunted me ever since, in kind of a traumatic way but also a good way. I listen to the Primitive Radio Gods song here and there to remind me of how close I got to death. I know most people would probably avoid a song that reminds them of death but, for me, it reminds me of a rather frightening yet beautiful moment in life.

Anyway, this past week, I went into Boston and videotaped the exact same science research event I did as last year. I experienced much fear and anxiety leading up to the day because I thought it may trigger another downward spiral like it did last year. But I overcame that fear and, other than feeling pretty exhausted afterwards, I survived and I didn't have any episodes where I thought I was going to die or lose my mind or both. 

This is progress. 

The Viral Component

I thought the guy was a Facebook troll. Some yahoo commented on a post in the Lyme Disease Support Group forum, suggesting that chronic Lyme disease was "all in our heads". This upset many people, including myself, but then he went on to suggest that "chronic Lyme disease may, in fact, be mistaken for herpes." This suggestion only upset people further but then he said to "look it up". Though I thought it sounded crazy, I was intrigued, so I did, indeed, look it up.

What I found was interesting.

There were several articles that discussed the viral component to Lyme, how the disease has been known to reactivate latent viruses in our body, specifically herpes viruses, and these viruses are so destructive that they are mistaken to be chronic Lyme disease.

Now, when people hear the word 'herpes', they immediately think about the STD virus (technically labeled HHV-2) but that is only one of eight types of herpes viruses that can be reactivated with Lyme. In fact, most people have been exposed to at least one of the eight herpes viruses at one point or another during their lifetime. For example, the Epstein-Barr virus, aka, EBV, or what we laymen know as "mono" (HHV-4), is a herpes virus. So isn't chickenpox (HHV-3).

Out of all the herpes viruses, the HHV-6 virus seems to be most commonly reactivated by Lyme. According to an article I found on the Envita website (Envita is a medical center in Arizona specializing in treating Lyme), "The HHV-6 virus is one of the infections found in virtually all chronic Lyme disease patients, a chief contributor to fatigue and other neurological symptoms. Antibiotics do not affect this or other herpetic viruses" (source).

Making things even more complicated, the reactivation of these viruses may not only be from Lyme but also from the antibiotics used to fight the Lyme. As we know, intense use of antibiotics messes with our gut flora to such an extent that our immune system becomes extremely stressed. This provides a great opportunity for latent herpes viruses to become reactivated and wreak havoc on our central nervous system (source).

Along with the antibiotics, immunosuppressants like corticosteroids are also largely responsible for reactivating viruses because they suppress the immune system, allowing viruses to come out and have a big party (source).

Taking all of the above into account, I can't help but think back to my experience with the strong antibiotic Levaquin, which I took a few weeks before discovering I had Lyme. I was prescribed the Levaquin because I was (falsely) diagnosed with pneumonia (read about all this HERE). I had an extremely adverse reaction to the drug and subsequently was prescribed steroids to counteract this adverse reaction. Did the strong antibiotic, combined with the steroids, suppress my immune system to such an extent that it allowed for certain latent viruses to be reactivated in my body?

After all, it wasn't until I had the Levaquin and the steroids that I was hardly able to walk or do much of any physical activity without feeling horrible afterwards. I've always thought the Levaquin left me with fluoroquinolone toxicity or just killed off so many Lyme spirochetes that I had an overload of neurotoxins poisoning my body (from the die-off). But, now, I'm wondering...have I been dealing with a virus or many viruses all along? Is the chronic fatigue I experience after physical activity linked with viruses?

It's possible, though I should mention that, back in January, I supposedly addressed the viral component of my disease. My LLMD (i.e. Lyme-literate) doctor gave me a strong dose of a viral extract that I took for several weeks. At the time, I thought I just had a flu virus to eliminate or some other kind of virus that, perhaps, tagged along with the tick bite, since all kinds of viruses can be passed along from animals to ticks to humans etc. (source). Did this extract take care of herpes-like viruses or are those viruses so evasive that not even this powerful extract could eliminate them?

Again, I have no idea and, of course, this "viral component" of Lyme disease only further attests to the fact that Lyme is an extremely, perhaps near-infinitely complex, disease.

Sources:

https://www.envita.com/lyme-disease/how-is-human-herpes-virus-6-hhv-6-related-to-chronic-lyme-disease-complex

http://www.advancedhealing.com/lyme-disease-herpes-virus-connection/

http://www.truthaboutlymedisease.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=55

http://www.andreacandee.com/lyme-disease

http://www.pannaturopathic.com/viruses-and-parasites/

The Ocean, The Great Healer

Here I am on Cape Cod, in the West Dennis Beach area, if you want me to be specific. It's about a three minute walk to the ocean. Salt is in the air. And I've been swimming like a fiend. Well, more like soaking like a fiend. A little swimming. But I can only handle so much.

And, holy cow, I feel so much more normal. My gut has been better. My mood has been better...

Of course, most of us feel better near or in the ocean. I mean, how could you not? It's beautiful. It's relaxing.

But the feeling we get from the beach isn't just psychological. Upon doing some research, I was surprised to learn that the ocean possessed all sorts of physical health benefits that I was never aware of.

Most importantly, it's great for immune function. There are minerals, vitamins, amino acids and living microorganisms that help strengthen the immune system. Even the iodine itself within the salt water helps regulate the thyroid which, in turn, boosts immune function.

Swimming in the seawater also increases circulation and opens up your pores, which allows you to absorb all the ocean's vitamins and minerals but also eliminates toxins more easily. In fact, the ocean is a great detoxifier. 

Furthermore, the ocean is filled with negative ions that you inhale from the sea mist. Negative ions are great for your overall health because they help reduce inflammation, regulate serotonin (the feel-good chemical) levels and neutralize other positively-charged ions in your body that accumulate from the pollutants of modern society (computers, TV, cell phone etc.). The rougher the seas, the more negatively-charged it is, but don't go drowning yourself, dude.

Other benefits from the ocean include muscle relaxation, stress relief, sleep regulation and greater skin health (due to the high levels of magnesium).

Oh, and last but certainly not least: the ocean heals the aura, or, in other words, the human "energy system" that I discussed in my previous blog. According to one article I found, salt water is "physically and emotionally cleansing for removing minor psychic debris" from the aura (source).

Could the ocean be one of the best healers for Lyme? Possibly.

If you don't live near the ocean, you're not out of luck. Epsom salt baths are very beneficial, too. However, nothing beats breathing in the ocean air, soaking in that ocean water and surrounding yourself with those negative ions.

Of course, today's profit-hungry medical industry doesn't want us to know that some of the greatest healing agents can be found in nature, right under our nose, totally free of cost. If this secret gets out, the medical industry loses its power over us and, in turn, loses its money.

But it's true: the ancient-old ocean has always been here to help heal and cleanse us of our ailments.


SOURCES:

https://www.livestrong.com/article/400377-what-are-the-health-benefits-of-swimming-in-sea-water/

https://www.healthextremist.com/splash-in-and-enjoy-the-benefits-of-the-sea/

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/3-ways-to-cleanse-your-aura-of-negative-energy//

Repairing the Soul

As I wrote in my previous blog, I've been suffering from intense depression, anger and anxiety lately. Overall, I would say that it almost feels like my soul is broken. Life no longer excites me. There doesn't seem to be any presence of joy whatsoever. My self-esteem and feelings of self-worth have never been so low. A lot of the time, I'm ashamed to even exist. I get surprised when a stranger is nice to me like in a store or out in public somewhere else, almost as though I feel like I don't deserve it. 

Yes, it literally feels like my soul is broken. 

And, in a sense, this may very well be true. I mean, it could be scientifically true. Allow me to explain:

I've recently been reading a book entitled Psychic Vampires. It's a book about the people in our lives who bring us down or who literally drain our energy when we're around them. There are different levels of psychic vampires but most of us have encountered these people to varying degrees.

The book also discusses how it can be scientifically proven that our bodies are comprised of one giant energy system (a less scientific term would be "aura" or, indeed, "soul") that, at its healthiest, runs like a well-oiled machine. Psychic vampires, however, try to penetrate the energy system and drain the energy from it. Over time, a determined psychic vampire can wreak havoc on the body's energy system and, in turn, can wreak havoc on the physical body, because a good energy system means having a healthy body, a bad energy system means having an unhealthy body.

Anyway, while I've been reading the book, it suddenly hit me that Lyme functions as one gigantic psychic vampire sucking on my life force energy (in fact, in previous posts -- click here or here, -- I've discussed how Lyme may have an energetic and even spiritual component to it). Along with all the physical and mental shit that it does to us, Lyme throws a monkey wrench into our energy system, the ramifications of which have manifested themselves in the way I've been feeling lately:  i.e. depressed, angry, low self-esteem, lack of joy/hope/ambition, etc.

The book suggests ways in which you can repair your energy system but I think for all you non-New-Agey people out there, I think the best thing you can do is pray, pray your ass off. I recently said a prayer to Saint Jude, the patron Saint of impossible situations, and I felt a big difference afterwards. I plan on saying a whole Saint Jude novena soon and I will state my specific intention as repairing my energy system.

The soul must be repaired. If your soul is broken, there is no hope of having a healthy body. It's at the root of everything. I must repair the soul.

Got a Gut Feeling

It's been a month since I started the gluten-free diet. It hasn't been going too well.

I'm not sure if going gluten-free is to blame, but I've been extremely depressed lately. And extremely angry. In fact, it's possible I've never been so depressed and angry. It's bad.

The other night, I was taking a walk and there was such a dark cloud over me. I was at a recreational park with a bunch of baseball fields and soccer fields and such. While I was walking through the parking lot to this place, there was a car-full of kids making a ton of noise while they waited for their dad to stop talking to another group of parents. I found the noise rather annoying. I had this strong urge to look over to the dad and say, "You really ought to tell your kids to shut the fuck up." I didn't say it, but I wanted to, really, really bad. I felt a vile venom inside of me. It was nasty.

It didn't hit me until much later that, shit, dude...they were just kids on summer vacation, man. They were probably just being goofy, yet my extremely negative mental state saw it as annoying. That wasn't me. That's not the kind of person I am. It has honestly been like something has been possessing me. 

Is it the Lyme? No, I don't think that's quite it, though it might be. Lyme has been known to corkscrew itself into the brain, kind of like syphilis and, also like syphilis, can make you somewhat mental.

Am I just feeling depressed about my current state of affairs? Maybe. I certainly don't like the fact that it's been over a year now since I was diagnosed with Lyme and I still can't walk more than about a half a mile at a time. Admittedly, I also don't like that I can't drink (even a little) beer (read about why in my previous post). Also, I've been feeling so isolated and lonely. Most friends have kind of moved on with their own lives, and I lack the ambition to make new friends. I also don't know whether I should be dating given my current physical state and whom I should be dating and how I should "break the news" of my condition to them and all that shit. It's literally like I have to start my life over completely. But that's not easy to do at 36 years old and when you're only halfway healthy.

Or???

Maybe my depression is actually physiological but not necessarily because of the Lyme. My theory is that toxins could be to blame. Some of these toxins are neurotoxins from Lyme die-off that still haven't been flushed from my body. But I also think many of these toxins are from candida die-off, which has been exponentially greater lately due to my gluten-free diet.

Candida lives off gluten. If you eliminate the gluten, candida can no longer survive and you get a die-off. When die-off occurs, nasty endotoxins like aldehyde, ethanol and ammonia get released from the candida carcasses and these endotoxins can be nasty (source). My theory right now is my depression/anger has been intensified by a larger presence of endotoxins due to going gluten-free.

But, yes, depression and anger are perhaps my biggest symptoms right now. And, oh, my gut issues (read about these in my previous blog), which, by the way, are likely linked with one another. According to articles I found while browsing the web, if your gut is in bad shape, your mood is in bad shape and vice versa. The gut is responsible for absorption of neurotransmitters and if your gut flora is all out of whack, then your neurotransmitters will be out of whack, thus making your mood all out of whack, too. 

Also, according to another article I found, "Gut microbiota influences serotonin and dopamine production. In, fact, 90% of the body's serotonin is found in the gut" (source). Serotonin is the "feel good" neurotransmitter that is largely responsible for happiness. It's also responsible for regulating gastrointestinal motility, or "peristalsis" is the more technical term, the movement of food materials through the digestive tract. So, if serotonin is lacking, both your mood is horrible and your gut is dysfunctional (source).

Indeed, the key to my mood issues probably lies in my gut "microbiota", also known as flora, which for whatever reason is abnormal right now. Is it abnormal because of candida, or is it due to some other issue? Right now I'm thinking candida, but that's still up in the air. 

Then again, maybe my gut is only off because of anxiety, depression and other mood-related issues. You know, it's the chicken or the egg dilemma. Did the mood mess up the gut or did the gut mess up the mood? Yeesh. More confusion. More complexity.

Sources:

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/magazine/can-the-bacteria-in-your-gut-explain-your-mood.html

https://www.globalhealingcenter.com/natural-health/link-between-depression-anxiety-and-gut-health/

https://rawlsmd.com/health-articles/the-leaky-gut-epidemic-modern-causes-natural-solutions?utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=leaky-gut&utm_content=gut-health-interest-vp-rmd

http://blog.probacto.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-herxheimer-candida-die-off/

Wink

There I was walking around Trader Joe's in what-felt-like a drunken stupor. 

Only I wasn't drunk.

I had just gone for walk at a nearby recreational field and this walk was for a half a mile or so, as part of my post-Lyme disease "physical therapy". About a half a mile walk was my limit and I had apparently pushed the envelope a little too far.

What results from pushing the envelope is this drunk feeling. I don't know what it is. Toxins are usually eliminated during exercise, so maybe my liver's unable to keep up with the workload. Instead of being excreted from my body, the toxins enter my bloodstream. And go up to my brain. And then I feel drunk as a skunk.

The store was a kind of blur and I couldn't help but wonder if people were looking at me funny. Did I look drunk? Was I stumbling? Because I felt like I was walking at a sideways 45-degree angle. Some of the hipster employees were looking at me weird. Did they notice something was off?

My objective was to get a frozen pizza. I was supposed to be eating gluten-free but I had recently determined that eating 100-percent gluten-free was making me very irritable for whatever reason. Searching online, I read that the irritability could be due to candida die-off, which is what occurs when you stop eating wheat. Either way, I figured it was ok to pump the brakes on all this gluten-free business. Besides, the pizza was organic. Close enough.

It took me a little while to find the section where the frozen pizza was. The longer it took me, the longer I had to walk around the store like a village drunkard. And the longer I walked around the store, the more boozy I felt.

I eventually found the blurry box of pizza and proceeded to the checkout. "Ok," I said to myself, "Now you must go to a cashier and hand her money and then you leave the store." Yes, I had to tell myself all this because confusion comes along with the drunk feeling. "I repeat: locate the cashier, say 'hello how are you', hand her cash, take whatever change, and then get the hell out of there, man."

I managed to successfully find the cashier and start paying for the pizza, but not without realizing how ridiculous this all was. "I can't even walk a fregging half a mile without feeling like this afterwards? How depressing. I still have a loooooooooong recovery ahead of me. This blows! Shit!"

It was a low point, maybe even rock bottom, or maybe I'm being a tad dramatic. But that was when I saw a man come around from the register behind me. Maybe in his 50s or so. Looked a little nerdy. Kind of like the sort you would see working at a used record store. Longish hair, about lower-neck length. Eyeglasses. And a mustache. But not an ironic one. 

He looked at my purchase, the pizza, and said...

"But I thought you would go get sushi...and not pay!"

At first, I thought to myself, "Here we go again." Over the years, I had come to accept that I was, for whatever reason, a weirdo-magnet. I don't know if it's my blood-type or what, but I have been known to attract weirdos wherever I go. They sniff me out. They must sense my compassion. They know I'll be nice to them.

But then his words sunk into my cortex and I realized...

Oh, he saw my shirt!

Yes, I had been wearing a very faded Repo Man shirt. Repo Man, if you don't know (most people don't) is a great 1984 cult film starring Emilio Estevez and the late Harry Dean Stanton. Let's go get sushi and not pay is one of the great lines from the movie!




I smiled at the man and pointed at him in "good one" fashion. "That was good," I said to him. "That was really good."

And, boy it WAS good. Like, wicked good. So sharp and witty and quick. Holy crap, it was just so perfect. I never would have come up with something like that so on-the-spot. How long did it take him to think of that?

I laughed the whole way home from Trader Joe's. I couldn't stop giggling my ass off.

That was the first time my Repo Man shirt had ever been commented on in public. And I don't think the timing was coincidental, either. Earlier that very day, I had noticed that my mom was reading a book called When God Winks by Squire D. Rushnell. This is a book that talks about how coincidences are God's way of "winking" at you, letting you know you're not alone so stop your worrying and keep the faith.

What I'm getting at is that I think the used-record-store-looking guy crossed paths with me at just the right, divine time, when I was feeling so low. He lightened the load, brightened my mood, got me laughing when I needed laughter the most. 

Yes, that man was God's messenger angel that day. He probably didn't even know it but he was God's wink for me. 

Maybe I'll be God's wink for somebody in the future, unknowingly delivering a message or a sign to them that they need oh-so-badly. Or maybe I've already been a wink for somebody in the past. And I didn't even know it...

Maybe we've ALL been winks at some point in our lives. Or perhaps we're constantly being used as winks, on a daily basis. It's kind of like we're being moved around like chess pieces, to wink at each other all the time on the great chess board of life.

Who knows: I may have been God's wink for the girl I bought ice coffee from last night.

Or the guy whose status I commented on, just a little while ago.

Or maybe...just maybe...I'm winking at YOU right now.

Wink.

I Read a Book!

Okay, so my last few blogs haven't been as "positive" as some of my other ones, but, hey, recovering from Lyme disease is not always easy and I would be a phony (and kind of annoying) if I were super-positive in all of these blogs. Lyme rage has been a significant problem and I needed to write about it as truthfully as possible. My stomach has also been a problem, way more sensitive than usual, and being unable to have a beer and/or eat Chipotle has been very depressing to me. Hence my need to write "darker" blogs where I sound like Mr. Whiny-Pants.

This blog, however, will be much more positive because I've had a bit of a breakthrough. Last week, I decided to pick up a book I've been meaning to read, one that I've kept on renewing from the local library, and I figured I would at least try to read a few pages before I finally returned it. I expected I would only be able to read a couple pages here and there because my eyes have been uncooperative when it comes to reading print (i.e. non-digital) books. My right eye gets all dry and itchy and stingy and sometimes even feels like there's a fregging Dyson vacuum cleaner sucking it out of the socket. For these reasons, I can usually only read a few pages of a print book at a time.

So, I picked up the book, read a couple pages and then something weird happened. I suddenly realized my eye didn't feel so bad and I could probably read some more. And some more. And some more? What the frig-newton?!

This is the book I read.

Indeed, my eyes felt much more comfortable reading the book. I was practically reading like a normal human being, a feeling I hadn't felt in so long and it was great! Within a few days, I completed the 280-page book. It was the first print book I was able to read in more than a year!

What happened? What changed?

Well, I have two different theories:

The first theory is that the Artemisia I've been taking has killed off more of the parasites that have been messing with my eyes. I've been taking the parasite-killing herb for about four months now (read my parasite/Artemisia blog HERE) so it's very possible the results are finally starting to show.

The second theory is that my recent change of diet had something to do with it. Basically, I've gone gluten-free or, to be more accurate, I'm about 98% gluten-free. I had been wanting to go gluten-free for quite some time but kept procrastinating because I didn't think it would make that huge of a difference. However, I finally decided to bite the bullet when my stomach started giving me problems (see last blog). I figured my belly issues were the writing on the wall and I needed to finally take the gluten-free plunge.

See, gluten -- along with other carbs and sugar -- feeds both Lyme and the parasites (including candida) that usually come along with Lyme. If you remove gluten from your diet, it's much more difficult for Lyme and parasites to thrive inside of your body.

Also, Lymies are, for whatever reason, much more intolerant to gluten than the average person, kind of like they have celiac disease but they usually don't test positive for celiac (I didn't). In fact, gluten is essentially a toxin for people with Lyme so, if you remove gluten from your body, you're consequently much less toxic, you experience much less inflammation and your immune system is all the stronger.

Now, if you're like me, you're thinking that wheat should be one of the most simple and harmless foods out there. After all, what do you learn about in grade school but the five basic food groups and grains are on the top of the list. Wheat is a staple, for crying out loud, so you would think it would agree with most people! But it's changed over the years because of hybridization; today, there is 8-10 times the gluten in one kernel of grain than there was when hunter and gatherers started to farm 10,000 years ago. This explains the human family's growing gluten intolerance. (Source)

So, for me, gluten is out of the equation for now and reading print books is back in the equation, which I'm happy about. So many books at the local library. And now I can finally read some of them!