I Read a Book!

Okay, so my last few blogs haven't been as "positive" as some of my other ones, but, hey, recovering from Lyme disease is not always easy and I would be a phony (and kind of annoying) if I were super-positive in all of these blogs. Lyme rage has been a significant problem and I needed to write about it as truthfully as possible. My stomach has also been a problem, way more sensitive than usual, and being unable to have a beer and/or eat Chipotle has been very depressing to me. Hence my need to write "darker" blogs where I sound like Mr. Whiny-Pants.

This blog, however, will be much more positive because I've had a bit of a breakthrough. Last week, I decided to pick up a book I've been meaning to read, one that I've kept on renewing from the local library, and I figured I would at least try to read a few pages before I finally returned it. I expected I would only be able to read a couple pages here and there because my eyes have been uncooperative when it comes to reading print (i.e. non-digital) books. My right eye gets all dry and itchy and stingy and sometimes even feels like there's a fregging Dyson vacuum cleaner sucking it out of the socket. For these reasons, I can usually only read a few pages of a print book at a time.

So, I picked up the book, read a couple pages and then something weird happened. I suddenly realized my eye didn't feel so bad and I could probably read some more. And some more. And some more? What the frig-newton?!

This is the book I read.

Indeed, my eyes felt much more comfortable reading the book. I was practically reading like a normal human being, a feeling I hadn't felt in so long and it was great! Within a few days, I completed the 280-page book. It was the first print book I was able to read in more than a year!

What happened? What changed?

Well, I have two different theories:

The first theory is that the Artemisia I've been taking has killed off more of the parasites that have been messing with my eyes. I've been taking the parasite-killing herb for about four months now (read my parasite/Artemisia blog HERE) so it's very possible the results are finally starting to show.

The second theory is that my recent change of diet had something to do with it. Basically, I've gone gluten-free or, to be more accurate, I'm about 98% gluten-free. I had been wanting to go gluten-free for quite some time but kept procrastinating because I didn't think it would make that huge of a difference. However, I finally decided to bite the bullet when my stomach started giving me problems (see last blog). I figured my belly issues were the writing on the wall and I needed to finally take the gluten-free plunge.

See, gluten -- along with other carbs and sugar -- feeds both Lyme and the parasites (including candida) that usually come along with Lyme. If you remove gluten from your diet, it's much more difficult for Lyme and parasites to thrive inside of your body.

Also, Lymies are, for whatever reason, much more intolerant to gluten than the average person, kind of like they have celiac disease but they usually don't test positive for celiac (I didn't). In fact, gluten is essentially a toxin for people with Lyme so, if you remove gluten from your body, you're consequently much less toxic, you experience much less inflammation and your immune system is all the stronger.

Now, if you're like me, you're thinking that wheat should be one of the most simple and harmless foods out there. After all, what do you learn about in grade school but the five basic food groups and grains are on the top of the list. Wheat is a staple, for crying out loud, so you would think it would agree with most people! But it's changed over the years because of hybridization; today, there is 8-10 times the gluten in one kernel of grain than there was when hunter and gatherers started to farm 10,000 years ago. This explains the human family's growing gluten intolerance. (Source)

So, for me, gluten is out of the equation for now and reading print books is back in the equation, which I'm happy about. So many books at the local library. And now I can finally read some of them!

Please, anything but this!

It's now officially been a 180-degree transformation. Daddy is dead. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go back a year ago and see my very first entry to this Lymey saga. The entry is called One Last Hurrah with Daddy, which is about all the fun I used to have drinking alcohol. But now I can't seem to tolerate any alcohol. Not even a single drop.

Up until recently, I couldn't tolerate much alcohol, but I could at least tolerate a little. A nice tall glass of a well-made IPA on a Friday and/or Saturday night made me more than happy. I would usually watch a movie whilst sipping. It was something I looked forward to. A slight escape from the Lyme hell I was in.

But now, for whatever friggin' reason, I can't tolerate any alcohol, literally not even a few sips (trust me, I methodically tested my limits). At first, I feel like I have bad heartburn, but then the burning travels down into my stomach and it seriously feels like I have fucking lava down there. Sleeping is not pleasant and it usually takes a good 24 hours or so for my stomach to return to a state of relative normalcy.

What happened?!

Well, the trouble all started on July 5th. As I described in my previous blog, I woke up with a tremendous stomach ache and my gut was messed up for at least a few days. I'm not really sure why this happened but I think it was Apple Cider Vinegar that triggered the downward spiral. As I described in my blog, I ate some chicken that was marinated in Italian dressing with ACV as its second ingredient.

Eventually, my stomach pain went away but it seems to come back when I eat spicy food--usually from Chipotle, my favorite place to eat--and, yes, also when I drink a beer or any kind of alcohol for that matter.

Seriously, Chipotle and alcohol were the last two things keeping me happy but now they're the only two things my stomach won't tolerate whatsoever! What is this all about? Is God trying to test the limits of my sanity by literally taking everything away from me that gives me joy? One or two nice cold beers (a week!) was all that was keeping me sane through this whole Lyme saga but now it's unavailable to me! Agh!

I've searched my mind for alternative ways to escape reality. I thought maybe I should try smoking weed but I'm pretty sure that would be disastrous. I rarely had a good experience with the devil's lettuce in the past and my Lyme-damaged body would surely find a way to have an adverse reaction to it.

So, for now, I'm forced to suck it all up and deal with reality without any numbing agents. This hasn't been easy so far. I've noticed that my mood has been all over the place lately. I've been very agitated and depressed and back to agitated again. My body and mind know that there's no escaping the hell, that I can't even look forward to a relaxing beer on a Friday or Saturday evening. And knowing this makes me extremely unhappy.

Thinking back on everything, I still can't help but wonder why I have this sudden onset in alcohol intolerance. I mean, is a little Apple Cider Vinegar really to blame? Did that trigger some sort of toxic die-off reaction that made my stomach more sensitive? Or is something else going on?

I have some theories about this.

Theory A: I have pancreas problems, mainly pancreatitis, which is inflammation of the pancreas. I don't like this theory because I don't know why I would have pancreatitis, unless Lyme or the stress of Lyme somehow triggered it. I've hardly drank any alcohol in a year. Plus, the symptoms don't quite match up. I don't really have "pain"; I would call it more like discomfort when I eat the aforementioned beer or spicy foods. With pancreatitis, you have pain in your upper left abdomen that shoots to your back or chest, I guess. I don't have that, nor do I have any vomiting or fever, which are two other symptoms.

Theory B: I have gastritis. Gastritis is inflammation, irritation or erosion of the stomach lining. This can be triggered by excessive alcohol consumption, drugs (such as aspirin and anti-inflammatories) stress and infections, both viral and bacterial and, yes, parasitic! Symptoms include a burning, knawing feeling in the stomach. Indigestion. Abdominal pain. This sounds a lot like what I have, but why would I suddenly have this? Again, I hardly drank any alcohol in more than a year. I took no anti-inflammatories. Maybe stress could have done it. Or maybe the parasites (i.e. candida or Babesia etc.) got aggravated by the ACV and caused an infection.

Theory C: I have an MCAS issue, and I'm not talking about the standardized tests you take in high school. MCAS stands for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, which is a disorder that can commonly happen after having Lyme. According to an article I found, MCAS can be described as the following:

"An immunological condition in which mast cells inappropriately and excessively release chemical mediators....In other words, Mast cells are cells that generate an allergic reaction. Allergens binding to these cells cause the release of histamine, which causes immediate, and sometimes very intense, hypersensitivity reactions." (Source)

Lamens terms: MCAS is when your body has an inappropriate or excessive response to allergens or stress. It's an auto-immune-like condition where the body essentially starts attacking itself. Chronic inflammation in various parts of the body is the end result.

Of course, MCAS symptoms overlap with Lyme symptoms so it's hard to tell whether my problem is MCAS or post-Lyme-related complications. Testing for MCAS can be done, but for me, it's a little too early to seek tests. It's ragweed season after all, so maybe the ragweed is making me more allergy-sensitive than usual, which leads me to...

Theory D: I'm just more allergy sensitive than normal. But why? Because of MCAS? Or for other reasons. It's hard to tell right now.

Again, the complexity of Lyme never ceases to amaze me. I mean, when will this Lyme rabbit hole end? I've been falling and falling and falling...but the hole must end at some point, right? Or is Lyme infinitely complex, an endless web that intertwines upon itself forever and ever? Hopefully, there is an end to all this. Though epic in nature, this seemingly never-ending war can hopefully still be won. I want to emerge from the rabbit hole and leave Lyme and all its side effects behind me for good.

Also, I want to drink again. Just a little. Because, honestly, life without alcohol (just a little) is extremely dull and boring. I know that's the talk of an alcoholic and, if I'm an alcoholic, so be it, but, c'mon, God, just please let me have a couple beers a week. Please! Also, end starvation and bring world peace. Thank you.

Lymiversary

Well, it's officially been one year now since I began experiencing symptoms of what-would-eventually turn out to be Lyme disease. July 5, 2017, right after Independence day, which is a bit ironic since getting Lyme was all about losing my Independence, at least for a little while.

So how am I doing?

Well, today being my Lymiversary and all, I was hoping to spend much of the day in relative comfort and appreciate the fact that I was much better than how I was a year ago.

This didn't quite happen.

I woke up this morning July, 5th, with the worst stomach ache I think I have ever had in my life. There was burning and sharp pains. At times, it felt like I was getting stabbed right through the gut with a zillion razorblades.

At first, I thought I may have had food poisoning, but I didn't have a fever and I wasn't vomiting either.

Then, I thought I had appendicitis, but appendix pain is supposed to be more on the side. Mine was right in the center.

It wasn't until a little later that I realized the pain could have been a herx (i.e. die-off) reaction, or at least some kind of adverse reaction, to apple cider vinegar. See, over the holiday, I unknowingly ate chicken that had been marinated in an Italian dressing that had apple cider vinegar as its second ingredient. Apple cider vinegar kills off yeast, parasites and God-knows-what-else so it's very possible the pain was from the release of endotoxins during die-off.

The stomach pain was so intense that I was laid up on the couch all day and this triggered very vivid flashbacks from one year ago. Even the sight of the tray table I had in front of me with half-sipped drinks, straws in each glass, seemed all-too-familiar. The cream of rice I ate...the daytime TV channels I watched...the overall malaise that I felt and inability to go outside of the house--it was like I was experiencing a downward spiral all over again, exactly one year later. I kept saying to myself, "This seriously can't be happening, exactly one year later. What are the odds?"

As I write this, my stomach is a little better so I'm hoping everything settles down eventually and that this is all simply a herx issue and nothing else major. But, man, talk about a sick little trick to be played on somebody who's experiencing their one-year Lymiversary. What can you do, though, but roll with it and don't start panicking!

Stomach issues aside, how am I doing one year after getting Lyme disease?

Not too bad, I suppose. In fact, I recently saw my (Lyme-literate) doctor, just about a week ago, and he gave me a stellar report. According to the orthomolecular machine he uses, my body now requires about 70 percent less vitamins and herbs than it did at the end of January. Even better, many of the vitamins and herbs I took specifically for liver function are no longer needed. One of these herbs is milk thistle, which means my liver is officially "cleaned out".

This is all good news. But I'm still far from being back to normal.

The biggest issue is still physical stamina. For the past month or so, I've been going up to the local high school's track to do workouts, though when I say "workout", I mean walk around the track, no more than twice. In fact, I've found that I literally can't walk more than twice around the track, which is a quarter of a mile in length so this means I can't walk more than a half a mile at a time. Even walking around the track a full two times is too much for me so I usually do about one and a half laps. There is a football field in the middle so I do one lap, then a half a lap, cut across the field and then I'm done, that's all she wrote.

I've even tried jogging at the track but it was brief and I mean very brief, probably for no longer than five seconds. Judging by how I felt after, I realized jogging any longer than five seconds or just jogging in general would be a total disaster. It made me feel vertigo and I had trouble walking in a balanced manner. Three hours later, I also felt gross, like really gross. Terror set in. I thought I may pass out but the feeling eventually passed, thankfully.

So running definitely isn't in the cards right now, which I'm ok with. Walking for a third of a mile or so without dying afterwards is pretty good considering where I was just about a year ago. Really, I'm one of the lucky ones and I need to be grateful, even though I still mourn the loss of my former self.

Along with the improvements in walking, another milestone has been my ability to drive longer distances. Just a few days ago, I drove on the highway for the first time in more than a year. This is a big deal because I've felt so cooped up for so long. I've been in a weird bubble of a twilight zone, so isolated and so alienated. Driving on the highway made me feel free again.

Since I'm able to walk and drive further, I've been generally more out and about in the world. Just the other night, I went out to see the local fireworks display and let me tell you: I was very apprehensive about doing this, mainly because I knew a significant deal of walking would be involved. The usual tradition is for me to meet up with my friends at one of their houses, which is, I believe, maybe a half a mile or so from where the fireworks go off, drink a few beers, then walk to the fireworks. I knew that, this year, however, I would not be able to do this walk. I'd probably be able to make it to the fireworks ok, but then I'd be dead to the world and I'd be unable to get back.

So I hung out at my friend's house as usual but then I had to drive as close to the fireworks as I could possibly get. I didn't think I'd be able to park very close, but I still thought I'd be clos(er) than my friend's house. As it turned out, the closest I could park was the nearby train station. I still wasn't sure if this was close enough for me, but I decided to take the risk and go for the walk anyway. Would I regret it? I hoped not.

Let me tell you: that walk was a very lonely one, because I was alone and I passed couples and friends and families and, well, I felt so alone. It would have been easy to feel sorry for myself but it was also kind of beautiful, and I don't know why. Maybe because it was a perspective from which I had never experienced the traditional fireworks night before. In fact, this has been a recurring theme throughout this past year: seeing life from a different perspective; seeing reality from a different perspective.

See, before Lyme, I was set in my ways, habitual with my routines and went through life in a kind of cruise control. It's amazing to experience how much more there is to reality, but you can only start experiencing it when something life-changing like Lyme slaps you out of your routines. Experiencing the fireworks from a different perspective was just one example of this*, but there have been several of these moments where I find myself in the same situations or the same physical space that I've always been in but I'm experiencing the present reality from a completely different perspective, or, to put it another way, it's like I'm in the same reality but tuning into a different frequency within that reality. What you end up realizing is that life can become so much more interesting and you don't even need to go anywhere different; all you need to do is tune into different frequencies. 

So, yes, my walk alone made me experience the traditional fireworks night from a different perspective and this was why the walk was quite beautiful. However, what also made the walk rather beautiful was that the solitude made me enter a kind of meditative state and it enabled me to take some time to reflect back upon the year and realize how much I had been through and how much I had overcome and there I was, struggling to get to the fireworks display to celebrate my new Independence. Every other year, I had been buzzed (ok, usually drunk), surrounded by friends, numbed to my surroundings but this year I entered that meditative state and truly got to appreciate what freedom actually is because now freedom means more to me than it ever did before I was sick.

I still have a ways to go, that much is for sure. But I should really be grateful for the freedom I do have right now. A broken life is better than no life at all. In fact, sometimes the broken life is preferable to the perfect life because it's from the brokenness that we grow and become a stronger soul. I actually recently wrote a poem about this very topic, so I shall close with this poem:


SQUEEZE OUT EVERY LAST DROP

The way I see it

You can have an imperfect life

A broken life

One that is a fucking nightmare at times

Or you can have nothing

I choose the broken life

That's better than choosing the nothing

And even if there's an afterlife

And I believe there is one

There's still only one Matt Burns

Ever

So I figure

It's best to squeeze out every last drop of him

And see what comes of it

*I was recently at a park that I formerly used to run in but, this time, I was forced to walk a minimal distance and then sit down on a bench. Sitting on the bench, I looked across the park and saw the tree line that was moving and swaying a bit from the wind. The wind carried fragments of sound to my ears, like a little girl giggling in the distance, as well as the echoed sound of a basketball bouncing in a nearby court. I don't think I had ever been so tuned into my present reality than I was at that very moment. Lyme forced me to slow down, sit my ass on a bench and tune in.

Lyme Rage

It's June 8, 2018...

Things have been better of late. Overall.

But there are still moments where everything catches up to me. The stress, I mean. The stress of the past year and the frustration of still not being normal, of still not being the person I used to be.

These "moments" are unpredictable. I'll be fine during the day but then, all of a sudden, I almost have a slight mental breakdown. Pure, unadulterated anger floods into me, so much that I feel like I'm going to burst.

One of these moments happened two weeks ago. I suddenly had so much anger in me that I thought my head was going to explode, like in that David Cronenberg movie, what is it called? Scanners, I believe. I had to drive off to a nearby park to try and calm myself. On my way to the park, I rolled down my car windows and I yelled out one big giant "FUCK!" I couldn't help not to. It was the only way I could release the energy that was inside of me. What shocked me was how booming my voice was, not just because I yelled loud (which I did) but there was an intense energy powering that voice, coming deep from within my core. That energy was pure, pent-up frustration. I have tried to remain calm about Lyme and what it's done to me but sometimes the frustration comes surging out of me like a volcano. My "FUCK!" sounded like a dragon's roar. If anybody heard it, it probably freaked them the fuck out. Fuck, it even freaked ME out.

Another "moment" actually happened...well, just moments ago. I was all of a sudden overcome by so much frustration and rage and I felt so cooped up that I literally had this urge to start destroying everything around me. I wanted to go outside and run the rage out of my body but I knew (because of how Lyme has physically impaired me) I would just get sick afterwards, maybe even die or at least feel as though I would. I felt like I was in a weird hell; on one hand, I had so much rage all I wanted to do was go running, but I was physically incapable of running. Agh!

Instead of running, I ended up punching the nearest thing near me, which fortunately was just a mattress. I started pounding that fucking mattress with my fist over and over again. I couldn't stop. For a moment, it was almost like I was slightly removed from my body and I was watching myself punching and I was basically saying to myself, "Wow, am I really doing that right now?" I just couldn't stop myself. There was so much power behind my punches. It was like super-human strength, I'm telling you. As I write this, my fist and arm hurts. My wrist hurts, too.

Most people would tell me, stop being a wuss, and suck it up. I've tried to do that. I've tried to stay present and deal with this Lyme business. I've tried to stay positive. I've tried to persevere. And I still will do all that. But, once in a while, all the stress surfaces and you can't help but to go a little insane. After all, Lyme is fucking sinister and inhuman. If I need to yell FUCK! with the windows rolled down (yes, rolled down--if they're rolled up, the energy remains bottled within) or if I need to pound the living daylights out of my mattress here and there, then that's what I will do.


TWO WEEKS LATER...

Searching around on Google, I've come to discover that such rage is not only common for Lymies but there's actually a name for it:

Lyme Rage.

According to one article I found, this rage can result from a wide range of Lyme-related issues, including liver congestion, coinfections like Bartonella, inflammation in the brain and a serotonin deficiency (learn more about these issues in this article: https://www.prohealth.com/library/ways-to-combat-lyme-rage-and-irritability-42683).

Looking back on things, I realize I had been dabbling with the toxin-binder chlorella near or around the time that I experienced these bouts of anger (read about chlorella in my previous blog). It's possible the chlorella stirred up too many neurotoxins in my body, including heavy metals, and my liver couldn't keep up with the workload, thus making the organ "congested" and my blood too toxic, which affected my brain, therefore making me experience rage.

Of course, all of the rage may not even be a physical reaction to toxins or inflammation, coinfections or what-have-you. It's possible that much of the rage may be from a simple case of PTSD.

Now, I feel silly saying I suffer from post-traumatic stress, because, I mean, come on, I've never been in war or I've never had anything too traumatically intense happen to me--that is, except for Lyme. I don't want to put myself on the same level as a soldier who's been in battle but I think anybody who's ever had Lyme can agree that having Lyme is friggin' traumatic.

Let me try and summarize as best I can why Lyme is traumatic. I feel the need to do this, maybe so others can understand, or maybe so I can understand.

...

Physically:
Lyme gives you high fever, horrible joint pain, hideous cough, horrible aches, headaches, dizziness, vertigo, "the spells" where you are shaky/dizzy/fighting for consciousness (I literally one-hundred-percent thought I was going to die on at least three or four different occasions), anxiety attacks, can hardly do any physical activity (a year after diagnosis I can only walk a quarter-to-a-half a mile at a time)

Mentally: 
Lyme brain where you literally feel you're losing your mind, weird deja vu sensations, loss of cognitive function, extreme brain fog, memory problems

Emotionally:
Extreme depression, extreme anger, sadness, terror, tearfulness (i.e. you feel like crying for no good reason), so much anxiety

Spiritually:
The feeling of godlessness and despair, lacking harmony with the universe, a sense of utter disorder/chaos in your world

Financially:
You can hardly work so you hardly have any money, finances drain, no money for bills, let alone having any money to do anything "fun"

Socially:
Mostly stay in your home. Most friends drift away. If you can keep a girlfriend/boyfriend, you're lucky but many will ditch you and, if you're single, you will have difficulty getting one until you've recovered, which could potentially take a very long time. Can't drink. Can't go out anywhere. You are reclusive. Your whole world revolves around Lyme.

Psychologically:
All of the above is not conducive to having a psychologically stable mind. You are not the man or woman you used to be, and no matter how hard you work, it's tough to get back to that old self.

...

I didn't cover everything--in fact, I probably only scraped the tip of the iceberg--but this is why people with Lyme have PTS. This is partially why I yelled FUCK out the car window. It's also why I pounded my mattress into near-oblivion. Overall, this is why Lymies have our "moments" from time to time. Sometimes the stress catches up with us.

It's ok to have your moments.

It doesn't mean you're being negative.

It doesn't mean you're losing the fight, either.

It's just something you must do.

From time to time.

To release the frustration.


ONE WEEK LATER...

After describing my emotional issues to my doctor, he "prescribed" melatonin to help regulate my serotonin levels. This will hopefully help regulate my mood, not to mention help me sleep better. I'm supposed to take two capsules a day (10mg each).