Things have been better of late. Overall.
But there are still moments where everything catches up to me. The stress, I mean. The stress of the past year and the frustration of still not being normal, of still not being the person I used to be.
These "moments" are unpredictable. I'll be fine during the day but then, all of a sudden, I almost have a slight mental breakdown. Pure, unadulterated anger floods into me, so much that I feel like I'm going to burst.
One of these moments happened two weeks ago. I suddenly had so much anger in me that I thought my head was going to explode, like in that David Cronenberg movie, what is it called? Scanners, I believe. I had to drive off to a nearby park to try and calm myself. On my way to the park, I rolled down my car windows and I yelled out one big giant "FUCK!" I couldn't help not to. It was the only way I could release the energy that was inside of me. What shocked me was how booming my voice was, not just because I yelled loud (which I did) but there was an intense energy powering that voice, coming deep from within my core. That energy was pure, pent-up frustration. I have tried to remain calm about Lyme and what it's done to me but sometimes the frustration comes surging out of me like a volcano. My "FUCK!" sounded like a dragon's roar. If anybody heard it, it probably freaked them the fuck out. Fuck, it even freaked ME out.
Another "moment" actually happened...well, just moments ago. I was all of a sudden overcome by so much frustration and rage and I felt so cooped up that I literally had this urge to start destroying everything around me. I wanted to go outside and run the rage out of my body but I knew (because of how Lyme has physically impaired me) I would just get sick afterwards, maybe even die or at least feel as though I would. I felt like I was in a weird hell; on one hand, I had so much rage all I wanted to do was go running, but I was physically incapable of running. Agh!
Instead of running, I ended up punching the nearest thing near me, which fortunately was just a mattress. I started pounding that fucking mattress with my fist over and over again. I couldn't stop. For a moment, it was almost like I was slightly removed from my body and I was watching myself punching and I was basically saying to myself, "Wow, am I really doing that right now?" I just couldn't stop myself. There was so much power behind my punches. It was like super-human strength, I'm telling you. As I write this, my fist and arm hurts. My wrist hurts, too.
Most people would tell me, stop being a wuss, and suck it up. I've tried to do that. I've tried to stay present and deal with this Lyme business. I've tried to stay positive. I've tried to persevere. And I still will do all that. But, once in a while, all the stress surfaces and you can't help but to go a little insane. After all, Lyme is fucking sinister and inhuman. If I need to yell FUCK! with the windows rolled down (yes, rolled down--if they're rolled up, the energy remains bottled within) or if I need to pound the living daylights out of my mattress here and there, then that's what I will do.
TWO WEEKS LATER...
Searching around on Google, I've come to discover that such rage is not only common for Lymies but there's actually a name for it:
Lyme Rage.
According to one article I found, this rage can result from a wide range of Lyme-related issues, including liver congestion, coinfections like Bartonella, inflammation in the brain and a serotonin deficiency (learn more about these issues in this article: https://www.prohealth.com/library/ways-to-combat-lyme-rage-and-irritability-42683).
Looking back on things, I realize I had been dabbling with the toxin-binder chlorella near or around the time that I experienced these bouts of anger (read about chlorella in my previous blog). It's possible the chlorella stirred up too many neurotoxins in my body, including heavy metals, and my liver couldn't keep up with the workload, thus making the organ "congested" and my blood too toxic, which affected my brain, therefore making me experience rage.
Of course, all of the rage may not even be a physical reaction to toxins or inflammation, coinfections or what-have-you. It's possible that much of the rage may be from a simple case of PTSD.
Now, I feel silly saying I suffer from post-traumatic stress, because, I mean, come on, I've never been in war or I've never had anything too traumatically intense happen to me--that is, except for Lyme. I don't want to put myself on the same level as a soldier who's been in battle but I think anybody who's ever had Lyme can agree that having Lyme is friggin' traumatic.
Let me try and summarize as best I can why Lyme is traumatic. I feel the need to do this, maybe so others can understand, or maybe so I can understand.
...
Physically:
Lyme gives you high fever, horrible joint pain, hideous cough, horrible aches, headaches, dizziness, vertigo, "the spells" where you are shaky/dizzy/fighting for consciousness (I literally one-hundred-percent thought I was going to die on at least three or four different occasions), anxiety attacks, can hardly do any physical activity (a year after diagnosis I can only walk a quarter-to-a-half a mile at a time)
Mentally:
Lyme brain where you literally feel you're losing your mind, weird deja vu sensations, loss of cognitive function, extreme brain fog, memory problems
Emotionally:
Extreme depression, extreme anger, sadness, terror, tearfulness (i.e. you feel like crying for no good reason), so much anxiety
Spiritually:
The feeling of godlessness and despair, lacking harmony with the universe, a sense of utter disorder/chaos in your world
Financially:
You can hardly work so you hardly have any money, finances drain, no money for bills, let alone having any money to do anything "fun"
Socially:
Mostly stay in your home. Most friends drift away. If you can keep a girlfriend/boyfriend, you're lucky but many will ditch you and, if you're single, you will have difficulty getting one until you've recovered, which could potentially take a very long time. Can't drink. Can't go out anywhere. You are reclusive. Your whole world revolves around Lyme.
Psychologically:
All of the above is not conducive to having a psychologically stable mind. You are not the man or woman you used to be, and no matter how hard you work, it's tough to get back to that old self.
...
I didn't cover everything--in fact, I probably only scraped the tip of the iceberg--but this is why people with Lyme have PTS. This is partially why I yelled FUCK out the car window. It's also why I pounded my mattress into near-oblivion. Overall, this is why Lymies have our "moments" from time to time. Sometimes the stress catches up with us.
It's ok to have your moments.
It doesn't mean you're being negative.
It doesn't mean you're losing the fight, either.
It's just something you must do.
From time to time.
To release the frustration.
ONE WEEK LATER...
After describing my emotional issues to my doctor, he "prescribed" melatonin to help regulate my serotonin levels. This will hopefully help regulate my mood, not to mention help me sleep better. I'm supposed to take two capsules a day (10mg each).
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