Monday, February 12, 2018

Lyme-A-Vision

If I were to find a silver lining within my multi-month-long battle with Lyme disease, it would have to be that Lyme gave me an excuse to revisit my long-lost friend, the television, and all the wonderful shows it has to offer, particularly during the daytime hours. Indeed, not since I was a young child have I ever watched so much television. Throughout much of my illness, watching TV was the only activity I had the energy to do. Here are some of the shows and channels I discovered and also rediscovered:


1. Seinfeld


Seinfeld
was neither a new discovery of mine, nor was it a rediscovery. I've always watched copious re-runs of Seinfeld, but I watched all the more episodes while I was sick. There were a couple of reasons for this. Reason one: Seinfeld is a great show, probably my favorite show (or at least sitcom) of all time. Reason two: Seinfeld acted as a comfort blanket for me, especially during the times when I felt horrible. The silliness of the comedy lightened my heavy situation. Maybe the show also reminded me of better times when I wasn't sick. Or maybe it was simply something familiar that helped ground me and made me feel closer to life and, thus, further away from death. I'm not sure how to describe it, exactly, but the worse I felt, the more I wanted to watch Seinfeld. And I know there was a psychological reason behind this; I'm just having trouble articulating it.



2. MeTV


I had already been familiar with MeTV before I was sick but Lyme disease deepened my relationship with this retro-TV channel and also led me to discover even more treasures within its episode lineup. My most notable discovery was that MeTV had back-to-back episodes of Saved by the Bell, starting at 10am Sunday mornings and running until noon. In other words, that's two hours, four whole episodes of Saved by the Bell, each Sunday morning.


It's been more than six months now since Lyme disease sunk its claws into me and I've been watching Saved by the Bell every Sunday morning ever since. I friggin' LOVE Saved by the Bell and I practically know every single episode by heart. Like Seinfeld, Saved by the Bell has been another "comfort show" that helped me escape the miseries of Lyme disease. It's undoubtedly a goofy show and many of the jokes and/or situations make you cringe with discomfort due to the absolute cheesiness of it all but, let's face it, this was a funny, well-written show for what it was, which was a show for tweens and teens. Apparently, it was also good enough for grown men in their mid-30s as well. Or maybe I only enjoy it for nostalgic reasons. Not sure...


Saved by the Bell
is immediately followed by The Brady Bunch, which runs as back-to-back episodes for another couple hours on Sunday afternoons. Then, even later into the afternoon, there is The Facts of Life, Different Strokes, The Love Boat...the fun never stops on MeTV.


I consider MeTV to be a hidden treasure of Xfinity cable television because the channel number is located way up in the 900 boonies, not anywhere close to any of the "normal" TV stations like ABC, TBS, TNT, MTV etc. The 900 channel area truly is a no-man's-land but MeTV is only ONE of the hidden gems to be discovered...



3. Buzzr


BUZZR is another hidden treasure buried in the 900 channel tundra. It's a game show channel that only shows -- yes, you got it -- reruns of game shows, all day, every day. My introduction to Buzzr was via an episode of Family Feud, which I stumbled upon one evening while scanning through the 900 channels. It was an old episode of the family game show, from the late 1970s or early 1980s. Richard Dawson was the host or, as I like to call him, Mr. Kissy-Face (I guess his official nickname was the "Kissing Bandit"). I call him Mr. Kissy-Face because part of his hosting schtick was to kiss all the women on the lips before it was their turn to guess what the survey said. It didn't matter what age they were, either. Back then, this was considered part of Richard's charm. Today, most people would consider it creepy and, of course, no game show host would get away with being Mr. Kissy-Face what with the whole #metoo and #timesup movement that's going on. We've definitely made progress as a society but I can't help but admit that I want to see another Mr. Kissy-Face on TV. I know it just can't happen but, deep inside of me, I want to see another creepy game show host stealing kisses from all the ladies, old and young.


Mr. Kissy-Face Richard Dawson stealing kisses.
By the way, Richard Dawson, Mr. Kissy-Face himself, played a game show host villain in an awesome Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called THE RUNNING MAN (1987). He was absolutely fantastic, too. It was a stellar performance. I just thought I would mention that. No, I needed to mention that. Mr. Kissy-Face had range. Sadly, he died in 2012.


Anyway, Buzzr has since become a go-to TV channel for me. The channel as a whole gives off a very comfortable vibe. No, not comfortable: cozy. It makes you feel cozy. In fact, this is true for all the 900 channels, including MeTV, Decades, Laff, Buzzr and, golly, there's even a channel that has a full line-up of classic TV shows from the 1950s-1990s called Cozi TV. Coziness is what "they", the TV people, want you to find in the 900 no-man's land. It's such a different vibe from the prime-time channels what with their negative news and shallow TV content filled with sex and violence. I don't know about you, but when I'm sick, I want coziness. I want Munsters, Beverly Hillbillies, Lost In Space, Night Court, Empty Nest and, yes, I especially want Mr. Kissy-Face creeping out all the girls!


Ah, the 900 channels. It's like they exist in another dimension or some other time. They are for the sick, the injured and the old people. I love them. I can't get enough of them. God bless the 900 channels.



4. AMC - American Movie Classics


AMC often runs movie marathons on Friday afternoons. During my battle with Lyme disease, I watched Karate Kid Marathons, Rambo marathons and also National Lampoon Vacation marathons. 


Also, for some reason, AMC played the movie The Fugitive pretty much all the time. The Fugitive with Harrison Ford never gets old and, for whatever reason, it's a great movie to watch when you're sick. Again, maybe for me it's the "familiar" factor, since I have watched the movie probably a few dozen times since it was released in the early 1990s. Also, there was probably a nostalgic factor: i.e. this movie reminded me of better (non-sick) times. It was a security blanket I could cling onto while my world was crumbling beneath me.


Speaking of the nostalgic factor, while watching First Blood: Part Two (i.e. Rambo II), I suddenly found myself wanting to play with action figures. This wasn't a subtle desire, either. It was like a button was pushed inside me and I suddenly had an intense urge to go play with action figures. What I realized is that this was a Pavlovian-like response to the Rambo movie because, when I was young (around kindergarten area), I watched Rambo II obsessively and I recreated all the scenes with action figures, mostly G.I. Joe's, but also with a few official Rambo action figures as well. I hadn't watched Rambo II in years and it was amazing to see how my inner child immediately came out of hibernation and wanted to find action figures ASAP.


5. Freeform


I consider Freeform to be a freak phenomenon because it seems to show great movies all the time and it almost seems a little too good to be true. It used to be The Family Channel and I also learned that it is contractually bound to show a certain amount of religious programming in a given day. This is why, if you look at the programming schedule, you will see several hours blocked off as the "700 club" which is, I guess, religious programming.


In July, FreeForm played a Home Alone marathon that I enjoyed very much. It also played the movie Elf a little too much. When actual Christmas season came along, you could find National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation playing at least once a day.

One Saturday morning, I saw that Hook was on and, boy, that movie transported me way back to the 1990s. The music from Hook pressed a button deep inside me that almost made me cry. I longed for the 90s. I wanted my long-lost inner child back. In fact, that seemed to be a common theme throughout being sick: the longing for and, to some extent, the reawakening of my inner child.


6. The View

I had never watched The View before, mainly because, well, why would I unless I was sick? However, this was a show I stumbled upon towards the beginning of my Lyme illness and I watched it, mainly because I didn't have the energy to find anything better.

My thoughts regarding The View are as follows: the show is somewhat disturbing to me. Basically, it involves a handful of women, sitting at a desk, and they bash Trump for about an hour. The leader of this group is Whoopi Goldberg and is so anti-Trump that she can't even say his name; she just calls him "the new guy". Whoopi conveys an appearance of the wise old village elder but nothing I ever hear her say sounds very enlightening to me. Don't get me wrong: I loved Sister Act, but she is the leader of a group of women who program the minds of millions of people with their (one-sided) point of view. They usually have one Right-leaning woman vs. four other Left-leaning women, but even their Right-leaning woman is still very anti-Trump. It's all fine and well to be anti-Trump, pro-Trump, Left or Right-leaning etc., but The View's point-of-view is so one-sided that it doesn't get viewers to think freely with multi-sided opinions.

Plus, Whoopi is a product of our pseudo-intellectual culture where public figures like Oprah, Ellen, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz etc. are considered members of our intelligentsia, the "deep" thinkers whom we should listen to. I don't think they're deep thinkers and, for the most part, I don't find that they're usually worth listening to either.


7. People's Court

For the first two or three months of being sick, People's Court became part of my morning routine. This guilty-pleasure show is enjoyable because, for the most part, both the plaintiffs and defendants are low-life losers. Okay, there are some exceptions and I don't mean to be harsh but let's face it: the people on that show are, for the most part, low-life losers. Watching these low-life losers sue a tenant for a hundred-dollars-worth of unpaid rent or a cleaner for a 50-dollar-pair of shrunken slacks makes you feel better about yourself and your current lot in life. This is what I call the Jerry Springer phenomenon. Why is a show like Jerry Springer so popular? Because you watch the show and realize, man, my life's really not too bad after all. At least I'm better than those losers on that show.

Also, on an unrelated note, I had no idea that Harvey Levin was on People's Court. I only knew him from TMZ. In short, Harvey makes me nervous. He either has an unnatural amount of high energy, drinks lots of caffeine or snorts copious amounts of coke. His job on the show is to interview random people on the street outside the courthouse and I always feel nervous for those people because I know Harvey is looking for quick, succinct answers. I know I would freeze up, not know what to say, and Harvey would make me feel like an ass. This is why watching him do his interviews makes me nervous.


8. Jeopardy

I had watched Jeopardy before I was sick but it was more on the occasional side. Once I was sick, Jeopardy became a show I watched on a nightly basis. I felt that it helped keep my mind sharp while the Lyme disease was making my brain oh so foggy. It was always a relief to find that I could get many of the answers right because this meant that my mind was still, more or less, intact. There were times throughout the illness where I thought I was literally losing my mind. Jeopardy helped reassure me that my mind was still there and my brain hadn't been significantly damaged.

Also, I've come to the realization that Jeopardy may be one of the rare TV shows out there that is actually educational and good for you to watch. It's also one of the last shows out there that doesn't rely on fluff and razzle-dazzle to keep people watching. What I mean is that Jeopardy is mostly all-business. The show starts promptly at 7:30pm and they get right into answering questions after only a very brief introduction. After the first commercial break, Alex Trebek takes a few minutes to interview the guests but then it's right back into the questions and A LOT of questions are crammed into the 30-minute time slot.

In other words, Jeopardy doesn't pander to the lowest common denominator. It doesn't dumb us down. It doesn't insult our intelligence. No jazzy graphics, music or other special effects. Again, no fluff. It's perhaps the one last remaining classy TV show out there.


9. Full House

Like Saved by the Bell, Full House is another childhood favorite show of mine. More comfort TV. More familiarity. More nostalgia, etc.

Full House
was one of those shows with reruns that would be on TBS at, you know, 4:05 and 4:35 during the 1990s. I never knew why TBS did that, by the way, meaning why they started their shows five minutes past the hour/half-hour. Were they just trying to be unique? Was that part of their marketing strategy? "Hey, if we start our shows -- not at 4:00 -- but at 4:05, maybe more people will tune into our channel"?

Anyway, I rediscovered Full House on Nick at Nite. I believe there are (or at least were) back-to-back episodes from 9:00 to 11:00 at night. This may have changed of late because the Hallmark Channel recently acquired the rights to have Full House reruns on their channel. Which brings me to...


10. The Hallmark Channel

During the worst of times, I craved mindless (and, when I say mindless, I mean extremely mindless) entertainment and I must admit Hallmark movies sometimes provided the mindless, predictable escape I was looking for. What amazes me about the Hallmark channel is a) the volume of movies it pumps out all the time and b) the quality of these movies. Now, by "quality" I mean in terms of production value. The photography looks so bright, colorful and appealing to the eyes. It amazes me that so much money and effort is put into these movies that are really, at the end of the day, mindless wastes of time.

All right, maybe I'm being a little harsh but let's face it, folks: the writing is good and they can be a bit funny, but Hallmark movies are all cut out from the same cookie-cutter blueprint and you will never, ever gain anything from them whatsoever. These movies are two hours of beautiful photography but they are a letdown because we are are the same person after the movie as we were before the movie. In short, watching a Hallmark movie is a completely static experience.

I guess watching Hallmark movies is the equivalent of reading romance novels so I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I do find myself superficially entertained by many of the Hallmark movies but I also find it interesting to experience my innate desire to take something away from these movies when there is really nothing to be taken away. In fact, I almost get a headache watching The Hallmark Channel because my brain is trying so hard to take something, ANYTHING, away, but it never happens and that causes pain in my Gulliver.