My New Pet Rock

It was about a month ago. I was doing some cleaning in my room. Organizing. Tidying. Neatening.

There was a Ziploc baggy full of quarters and silver dollars on my bureau. I had been using these coins for subway fare when going in and out of Boston for my basal cell surgeries (read about these HERE). What I didn't know was that the Ziploc part of this bag was not locked. It was open and as I picked up the baggy, the coins spilled out, many of which fell onto my floor and then rolled under my dresser.

"Damn my luck!" I cursed to the universe. It was a negative reaction to what would turn out to be a positive event. I just didn't know that yet.

I cursed the heavens because my joints were still bothering me (read about this problem HERE) and bending down to the floor, crouching, kneeling...would be less than easy. In fact, I needed help to do this. So, yes, I chose to emasculate myself and I called in my mom for assistance. 

"Hey, MA! Do you mind helping me for a sec?"

My mom came in my room, crouched down to the floor and retrieved the lost coins from under the dresser. But that's not all she retrieved...

"What's this?"

She came up from the floor and held what-looked-like an orange pebble in her hand. At first, I was confused as to what it was but then I remembered. "Oh, it's my citrine!" I exclaimed. Well, I didn't quite exclaim. I was excited but not so excited as to warrant an exclamation point. It was more like, "Oh, my citrine. This is great."

Said citrine was one rock of about four or five that I had purchased at a New Age store several years ago, maybe five or six years ago, maybe even more. I was told that these rocks possessed magical energies that would attract abundance, "abundance" being a less greedy-sounding term for money. 

I wouldn't say I was greedy for money at the time -- I mean, I was poor, don't get me wrong, and some money would've been nice -- but I was more concerned about "making a deal" with a screenplay or a novel or what-have-you. I thought the rock could attract a "career opportunity" of some sort. Get one of my screenplays produced. Get one of my novels published. Or at least attract interest in me from people in higher places.

My pet rock in my palm.

The problem with the citrine, however, was that the rocks were very small, a little larger than a pebble, so I kept leaving them in my pockets all the time and they would either go through the washer or just end up falling out onto the ground or floor. I lost probably three or four of them over the course of a year and, soon, I thought I had lost them all. But I guess one must have fallen and ended up under my dresser.

So now, for the past three or four weeks, I've been carrying around this one small citrine pebble in my pocket. It's like my new pet rock and, I must say...

I've felt a difference.

No, I have not attracted a lot of wealth. And I haven't made any kind of deal regarding a screenplay or book (though I did have an unexpected phone call with a bigwig Vice President at HBO; it went nowhere but it was cool). I have, however, noticed a change. Let me try and explain:

As I've mentioned in previous blogs (read LYME BRAIN and CLEARING LYME), I truly believe that a negative experience like having Lyme can be so negative that it can wreak total havoc, not just on your physical body as we all know, but on your energetic body as well. I believe Lyme has an energetic element to it and it purposely knocks you out of energetic balance so that it's more difficult for your body to fight the damn Lyme off. The more out-of-balance your energy is, the more the Lyme can thrive, just like it's some sort of negative entity that feeds off bad energy.

I believe that it's because of this disturbance in my energetic body ('aura' might be a better term) that I've been having more of a difficult time with...well, life in general. Take my "eyeglasses saga" for example (read about this HERE). Things just kept going wrong, one thing after another, almost on an absurd level. That whole experience was a complete shitshow. 

Or, take my more recent "battle of wounded knee" saga as another example (read about this HERE). The story started with my knee in pain, and then, after an MRI, my ankle flared up with pain, and then my ankle pain made me so frustrated that I punched a mattress a few times and my wrist and arm had pain. 

Both the knee saga and the eyeglasses saga were downward spirals of bad luck. And I think this is all because the energy of Lyme threw my energetic body (again, 'aura', is another word to use) off balance and out of harmony with nature, universe and, not to get too New Agey on you, but spirit, too! Or, if the term "spirit" DOES sound too New Agey for you, let's just say 'God'. It throws you out of harmony with God!

Not following me? Ok, let's use a radio station as an analogy. When you're good and healthy, free of something like Lyme, your body is like a radio frequency properly tuned into a station broadcasting from God and it's coming in loud and clear. But then Lyme comes around and acts as some sort of negative EMF field that messes with the tuning of your radio dial. Instead of the station coming in loud and clear, it breaks up, the sound goes in and out, and there is lots and lots of static.

Anyway, the point off all this is that I've noticed that, ever since I started carrying around the citrine, I've felt more properly "tuned in". A signal from God is coming in loud and fucking clear. I feel more positive, there is more joy and, frankly, things have seemed a little more magical. Instead of feeling like there are a bunch of little devils around that are poking and prodding me with their annoying pitchforks (Lyme personified), I feel like there are a bunch of divine angels with me who are now better able to communicate and guide me because all the negative static is out of the way.

I won't go into details but, for the past few weeks, there have been many "magical" events -- serendipities, synchronicities, divine guidance and perhaps intervention -- that confirmed I was under the influence of a more divine force instead of a bunch of negative jerks with pitchforks. This was a familiar feeling but it made me realize that I hadn't felt this feeling much since before the Lyme. It was nice to have it back again. (Read my very short story South Station Serendipity for an example of a magical moment I experienced.)

With this new shift in energy, from negative to positive, I've noticed that my physical body has felt better as well. My joints still give me problems but there have been more days where nothing has been bothering me too intensely and I've been able to walk all the more. Could better energy manifest better physical function? I was always told this was the case but never really knew it was true until now. There definitely seems to be a connection.

Now, I know what you're saying right now: "All these great things happened, just because you started carrying a little pebble around in your pocket?" I know, I thought it was a little far-fetched as well. But then I started doing some Googling to learn more about the rock and that's when it all made better sense.

As it turns out, citrine isn't just the rock of abundance and cashflow. Apparently, there is MUCH more magic to this powerful stone:

According to one article I found, citrine is basically THE stone of positivity and joy. It also helps with mental clarity, the creative process and boosts sexual energy (ooh la la...oh bee-have). Most interestingly, it links to and clears blockages in the "root chakra", to "bring the physical energy up to the emotional, and raise all energy to a higher plane." This could explain why I feel better both emotionally and physically. Clearing this "root chakra" helps improve "energetic circulation" in the body, thus making the physical systems work better as well. (source)

According to another article I found, citrine is a great stone that promotes healing, initiates new beginnings, helps smooth over relationship problems, protects one from spite and jealousy, clears negative energies (and gha-gha-ghosts!) from a living space, helps with chronic fatigue, balances the thyroid, relieves allergies, boosts self-esteem, helps overcome depression, gives you strength to fight infections, provides you the ability to use nutrients you consume, helps boost confidence and security, protects the aura (i.e. the energy field) and helps get relationships off to the right start by making communication flow well. (source)

Wow, that's a lot, right? What a powerful stone.

And don't worry! Citrine is one of only two stones out there that you don't need to ever cleanse. I'm sure you were worried about that, right? Because some stones out there have great energetic powers but if you don't cleanse them they can store negative energy and end up doing more harm than good. I know this from personal experience. I made the mistake of not cleansing some black tourmaline rocks I purchased a few years back to help dispel negative energy. They're great rocks, by the way, if used properly, but I didn't cleanse them ever, so they ended up holding onto all the negative energy and may have ultimately done more harm than good. Oops.

So who knows? Whether you have Lyme or are just trying to feel better on both an energetic and physical level, maybe a little citrine might be something you're looking for. It sounds a little crazy (or perhaps a lot crazy), but a pet rock could make a big difference for you. I really think it has made -- and will continue to make -- a significant difference for me.

Sources:

https://www.energymuse.com/citrine-meaning

https://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/citrine

The Battle of Wounded Knee

So it's about time I fill you all in on what the deal is with my freggen knee! I kept a journal for the past couple months, so here is that journal. It explains everything.

Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2019

Saw my PCP just a couple days ago. They give you this questionnaire before the physical to see whether you are depressed. I honestly answered the questions opposite from how I truly felt because a) I know they'll just put me on medication and b) I know my depression is mostly Lyme-related so there's no big mystery why I'm depressed and medication will only make things worse. For now, I pretend everything is fine so the doctor doesn't mess with me any more than he needs to.

The doctor checked my knee, didn't find anything wrong, but gave me an order for an X-ray. I had to go to a hospital in Attleboro, which is kind of a run-down town close to Providence but still in MA. and the hospital wasn't too great either. ERs give me the willies. I had flashbacks of being at the ER in the summer of 2017 (see LEVAQUIN WITH A TWIST OF LYME blog). I was left alone to change into scrubs in a secluded dressing room. You don't feel alone, though. You feel entities around you. You kind of feel like you're being watched.

On my way to the X-ray room, an old woman rolled by me on a gurney. She was yacking up something horrendous and she really looked like she was on death's door. I wonder if she is still alive as I write this. I felt bad for her. I think a lot of people there were getting chest X-rays for the flu and such. In fact, when I saw that woman roll by me, I think she may have just been in the X-ray room. I can only imagine how many people go in and out of that X-ray room on a daily basis. I can also only imagine how many germs are in there and also negative energy/emotions/thoughts. I make this latter comment because yesterday, one day after being at the hospital, I felt very agitated...angry, even. I was just an emotional mess. I figured I needed to do some sort of energy clearing (read about clearings in my CLEARING LYME blog) but I put it off because I had a dermatology appointment today and I didn't want to be in the process of clearing, which sometimes makes me feel tired. But by late last night I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like my energy field, aura, my whatever-you'd-like-to-call-it had totally been disturbed, maybe by the X-ray waves themselves or maybe from negative energy or maybe the X-rays made me more susceptible to negative energy. Either way, I did the clearing and immediately felt much better.

My doctor looked at the X-ray and it supposedly showed that I did have some inflammation from some kind of "trauma" but there is no further info about it at this time. I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor set up. Not to be negative, but I'm skeptical of whether this will help me identify the problem. I was actually thinking today that magnesium may be to blame? Too much magnesium (I've been taking my full dose of Magtein, six capsules, 667mg each), which, according to Dr. Rawls in his book Unlocking Lyme, is known to flare up Lyme symptoms (e.g. joint pain)? Maybe? Perhaps? Bueller?

I thought I would feel a little better today because a) the clearing and b) at least the X-ray showed I wasn't imagining the inflammation. But I went to the dermatologist earlier and we thought we were getting towards the end of all my basal cell treatments but she noticed my scalp appeared to have at least four more! The dermatologist seemed kind of disgusted and maybe even a little annoyed and said we would have to biopsy them and they'd probably need MOHS as well. This felt like the death blow. I pictured myself being all stitched up with scars, looking like Frankenstein. Well, I'm glad I had some fun from age 25-35 because my life just seems like a complete mess now. But I told my parents about it and they said that it's possible they could just be sprayed and maybe I need a second opinion. I think I do need a second opinion, or maybe I'll just pretend they're not even there. I don't really want to deal with them, to be honest.

I guess all you can do is stay present and keep moving. None of this is happening right now. It's all an illusion taking place in the third dimension. No wonder why many Lymies feel like they are half dead. Sometimes the only way to get through this is via some sort of fugue state, where you're not quite entirely in your body.

Monday, Feb. 18, 2019

A week or two ago, I went to see the orthopedic doctor. Nothing much came out of it, except that he recommended an MRI, which I didn't think would be approved because of my shoddy insurance but, to my surprise, it was approved.

This past Saturday was the day for the MRI. I was nervous about it beforehand because I had no idea what to expect. Would the strong magnetic field screw with me in any way? Or what about the radio waves? (NOTE: MRI machines use a strong magnetic field and radio waves to generate images of organs in the body).

I was relieved, however, that my MRI would not require me having a "contrast dye", which I had looked up and it didn't sound good at all. This dye is a heavy metal called gadolinium. They sometimes inject it into your veins before the MRI and it helps them see the MRI images better. But, supposedly, it can get stuck in your kidneys and brain. Chuck Norris' wife supposedly experienced long-term damage from gadolinium after having too many MRI's and if Chuck Norris fears something, you know it's gotta be concerning. Either way, I didn't want any more heavy metals in my body since I already have a heavy metals issue (read about my heavy metals issue HERE).

Anyway, the morning for the MRI came, I walked into the hospital (same one I got the X-ray at) and noticed that I felt a little funny. I soon realized I was having a bit of panic attack, seemed like it anyway, but I eventually chilled out and surprisingly wasn't overly nervous during the actual MRI, which was shorter than expected but fregging LOUD as anything. The exam basically starts out with a fog-horn-type sound in your face and, after that, there is a jackhammer-like sound for the rest of the exam. The technician played Pandora through headphones I wore to cover my ears but the volume was too loud and trebly as anything, so I had very high-frequency music in my ear the whole time. I didn't know if they could control the music volume from where they were. I was about to ask about this but then they said there was only five minutes left of the exam so I figured I could handle another five minutes of cacophony.

Overall, I felt pretty normal after the exam. I was worried that I would feel dizzy or off balance or brain-foggy like I do after X-rays but there was nothing like that, really. My knee and leg and even part of my crotch felt a little tingly during the exam when the hydrogen atoms in my body were getting manipulated (by the radio waves and the very strong magnetic field) but I felt pretty normal, more or less, after the exam. Yep, overall, I was good...

Until the next day. I woke up with some significant pain in my ankle joint. And I couldn't walk that well. So I went into the MRI with knee pain, that's still there, but now I have ankle pain? As I write this, it's only a couple days after the exam, so I'm hoping things settle down. I did some Googling and saw that joint pain post-MRI isn't uncommon because you have to lie so still, in kind of an awkward position, for a significant amount of time. So I'm hoping the new joint issues go away. Because, really, I go in to check one joint issue and come away with another added onto it? That wouldn't surprise me, honestly, because I've said it so many times and, dammit, I'll say it again: Lyme is intelligent and somehow knows what's happening all the time. It knew I had the MRI for the knee and then this ankle issue popped up one day later just to fuck with me. Lyme knows how to fuck with you. I swear by it, man. It somehow knows.

The orthopedic doctor is on vacation now so I won't know the MRI results for another week and a half.

Friday, Feb. 22, 2019

The ankle pain is still very much present. Yesterday, I could barely walk. I got so frustrated by this (again, I go and get an MRI for knee pain and emerge the next day with ankle pain) that I punched my mattress several times -- really, REALLY hard -- and then my arm/hand/wrist is in pain. I can hardly type right now; it's not comfortable, like, at all. To top this all off, I had to go get another round of MOHS today, two more basal cells removed on my neck, and now my neck is in real pain. At least I know the neck pain will go away, though. Who knows about the other stuff. My arm kind of feels like I hit the funny bone of my elbow. You know, I have that tingly feeling. Not fun. I feel like kind of an idiot about the mattress punching but I also need to understand that I got very frustrated and sometimes I have to release the anger. I've punched my mattress in the past (read my LYME RAGE blog) and didn't have these consequences. I shouldn't be surprised, though, because all my bones and joints seem weaker and more susceptible to injury. No idea why that is right now but that's how it has seemed to be.

I have the appointment with the orthopedic doctor on Wednesday to find out about my knee but by then it will be old news. I don't give a shit about the knee right now. What about my ankle?! My arm/hand/wrist?! Of course, I still do care about the knee but in a short week's time that kind of became old news or less important and two new problems have popped up. Things really kind of went to shit after that MRI. So glad I got that thing. I had a feeling it would somehow cause problems. It seems like all conventional medicine and/or machinery causes problems. You read up about it online and it says it's all safe but who really knows? The machine messes with your hydrogen atoms, blasts you with radio waves, subjects you to a very strong magnetic field. Is that really all safe? Even if it's safe on a physical level, who knows what it does to our energy fields. You know: our auras. Maybe this explains all the bad fortune in one week's time. It blasts you out of harmony with the nature, the universe...God!

Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2019

Saw the orthopedic doctor today to get the MRI results. Nothing seemed to be wrong, at least not structurally. In fact, he said, "Many people could only wish to have a knee like yours." He also said, "If I were to show people a photo of a good, healthy knee, I would show a photo of yours." I pointed to the area of my knee that bothers me and said, "So nothing looks bad in this area?" The doctor shook his head and said, "Your hamstrings are rather tight so, if anything, you might have a little tendonitis in the hamstring tendon." 

So no big tears or anything, which is good, but the knee seems to be the least of my problems now. As I write this, I'm having difficulty typing because of the arm injury I talked about in the last entry. All my bones in my hand, wrist, arm and even shoulder seem all screwy. Just from punching a mattress a few times! I feel stupid but, man, I had to destress somehow. I kind of just lost it and flipped out, punched the mattress as hard as I could, four or five...ok, maybe six times. The doctor shook my hand twice today and it was NOT easy shaking his hand. Ouch! 

I didn't mention my new problem to him. I just hope I don't have to go back there for hand and arm problems. What does a fracture feel like, anyway? I never had one. Nothing is too, too painful, but my arm is messed, no doubt about it. It's difficult doing everything...brushing teeth, shaving, eating with a fork, typing! (one of the most important things in my life since I'm a writer), computer mouse clicking, putting a shirt on and taking it off...EVERYTHING. You don't realize how much you use your arm all day until it's injured. Damn. 

Once again, an experience like this makes you better appreciate a fully-functional body. I will never take my arms for granted again, that's for sure. This seems to be a common theme throughout this whole Lyme experience: learning not to take the body for granted. The human body is so complex and perfectly made and when one little thing doesn't work right it sucks big-time.

Now I have to go soak my wrist in Epsom salt some more. There's been a lot of that. And smother it with Arnica gel (a homeopathic pain relief gel). Damn, I really hope it will heal on its own. Typing right now is not comfortable. I feel stupid for hurting my arm. This was my fault. But I also blame the Lyme. It was driving me insane. And I broke apart at the seams. And flipped out on the mattress. And hurt my arm. I can't always hold it together.

Oh, by the way, though...the ankle pain isn't as bad. Neither is the knee, as I mentioned. The hotspot for pain in my body right now is my arm. Even my neck feels better from the Mohs surgery. It's my arm now! Agh! Madness.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

The arm is better now...not fully, but better. Typing is more doable but if I type too much I feel strain in the arm muscle and/or tendonitis. But, surprise, surprise...the pain, for the most part is back in my ankle. I must say today it's not that bad; in fact, nothing is overly bad today (maybe because I soaked my feet, up to the ankles, in Epsom salt and baking soda last night) but yesterday and the day before? Ankle pain. Walking was difficult.

Anyway, the moral of this story is that the "pain" or inflammation or what-have-you...moves around, which is pretty classic with Lyme. I just have to figure out why. Does this mean I still have Lyme? Or is this really an after-effect of Lyme but not Lyme itself? Do I have an inflammation problem? Is it from something I'm eating? Too many carbs? I've hardly been eating gluten. Is it heavy metals? Viruses? Candida? All these can cause joint problems as well. And, of course, the Levaquin (read about my experience taking Levaquin HERE) could be, a year and a half later, causing tendonitis. Who knows.

It's ok, though. I think I can figure it all out. It may be something simple. The bright side is there's nothing apparently big wrong with my knee. And my arm isn't that bad right now. The ankle pain comes and goes. 

I'm actually in the process of buying a new pair of sneakers to see if that helps my problems at all. Finding a pair of sneakers that works well for me is a whole other story. You have never seen a man so OCD until you've seen me in the process of sneaker shopping. I go nuts over shoes fitting right and I end up obsessing over even the smallest issues. For example, today I found a pair that fit right size-wise but, for some reason, the right sneaker seemed to dig into my ankle in the back-right area. Weird. It wasn't comfortable. So the search will continue. Why am I telling you all this? Oh, right, because, who knows? A new pair of sneakers could make all the difference. It may make my joints feel much better...

BUT...

One thing is also for sure. My legs just don't feel as strong as they were pre-Lyme and, as my orthopedic doctor confirmed, the muscles are very, very tight, especially the hamstrings. Maybe I need collagen? Or some omega oil? Flaxseed oil? (Flaxeed oil helps with joints and arthritis.) No idea. But I do think if I can figure out what's preventing my muscles from feeling normal, then I can maybe unlock a big missing piece to the Lyme puzzle here.